He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
