Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
