last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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