He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
