To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So many bounce houses so little time
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
