Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
