Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
