It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
