y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
