I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
