Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize