Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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