why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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