My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
