Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
