Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
