the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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