I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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