He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
