omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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