my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
