Can i not drive my cunt home
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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