Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
