im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
