I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
