I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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