Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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