we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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