Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize