I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
