I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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