I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just cropdusted the office
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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