I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
