Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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