It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
