does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
