How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
