you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
