HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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