somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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