im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
