I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
