filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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