i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
