I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
