A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
