My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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