I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
