When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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