When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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