I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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