Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize