she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
