I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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