Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
